Jokes
2 years ago by LedZap

Breaking News - Raleigh, NC

 

Jeff Gordon, Professional Stock Car racer​ announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew.  This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's plea to employ Black Harlem youngsters.  The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed Black youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 9 seconds with thousands of dollars’ worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as many races are won or lost in the pits.

However, Gordon got more than he bargained for.  At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced Black crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 9 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt, Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff's wife in the shower.
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LedZap 2 years ago


Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him: “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.” 
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.” 
“How much do you charge?” 
“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor. 
“I'll sleep on it,” I said. 
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” He asked. 
“Well, Eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00.  A bartender cured me for $10.00.  I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.” 
“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?” 
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.  Ain't nobody under there now.” 
It's always better to get a second opinion.

LedZap 2 years ago
Church ... 

 A  few minutes before the church services started,  the congregation was sitting in  their pews and chatting  a among  friends. Suddenly,  in a flash of light,  Satan appeared in front of the congregation!  Everyone started screaming and running for the exits,  trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away  from the evil incarnate.  Soon the church was empty except for one elderly  cowboy who  sat calmly in his pew without moving,  seemingly oblivious  to the fact that God's ultimate  enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to   the man and said, 'Do  you know who I am?'  The old cowboy replied, 'Yep, sure  do.'  'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.  'Nope, sure ain't.'  said the cowboy.  'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?'  asked  Satan.  'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man,  in an even tone.  'Did you know that I can cause you profound,  horrifying AGONY for  all eternity?' persisted Satan.  'Yep,' was the calm reply.  'And  you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.  'Nope,' said the old  cowboy.  More than a little perturbed, Satan asked,  'Why aren't you afraid  of me?'  The old cowboy calmly replied,
 '
Been married to your sister for  48 years.'
LedZap 2 years ago
LedZap 2 years ago
LedZap 2 years ago
LedZap 2 years ago

Stu ... Stu ... Stu ... Stuttering Monday ...

 
 
A teacher is
explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are
the only animals that stutter," she says. A little girl raises
her hand. "I had a little cat who
stuttered." The teacher, knowing
how precious some of these stories could become, asked the
girl to describe the incident."Well," she
began,  "I was in the back yard with my kitty and
the  Rottweiler that lives next door named Lacey,
got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over
the fence into our yard!'' "That must've
been scary," said the teacher. "It sure was,"
said the little girl. "My kitty
raised  her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!,
FfffffF," but before she could
say "Fuck-off !, the Rottweiler ate her!"
LedZap 2 years ago
Morning Sex  She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual  soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only  the tee shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in,  almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You've  got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming  or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to  lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all;  right there on the kitchen table.  Afterwards she said, ‘Thanks’, and returned to the stove,  her T-shirt still around her neck.  Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,"What was that all about?"  She explained,"The egg timer's broken."

Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual 
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only 
the tee shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, 
almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You've 
got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming 
or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to 
lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; 
right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, ‘Thanks’, and returned to the stove, 
her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,"What was that all about?"

She explained,"The egg timer's broken."
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